I've stated a couple of times in the past that I would love to compile a book titled Shit You Shouldn't Say to Infertile People. The book would consist of inappropriate responses and statements made by clueless friends, family members, and Facebookers.
Going along with this, I thought today's post could be written by all of us. Partly because I am still struggling with my mysterious sickness and partly because, with everything bad going on in our little community right now, I think we all need a chance to let out some of our anger and frustration .. . and maybe have a few laughs in between. So get out your memory bank and your boxing gloves:
What is/are the dumbest thing(s) someone ever said to you about infertility? And I'm not talking about "just relax." I'm talking the kind of thing that made you want to get in your car and run this person over with your vehicle. What did you say back to him or her? And what did you really wish you could say back--the response in your head that you could never seem to form into words?
I'm really interested in reading everyone's responses. I hope that bitching and moaning about stupid people will make for a brighter Wednesday afternoon.
[Don't forget: tomorrow is the last day to vote for RESOLVE's Hope Award for Best Blog (and for best book). Click here to cast your ballot.]
83 comments:
It's Gods way of telling you you shouldn't have kids.
Well I don't know if this really fits in but after spending thousands ttc and finally achieving that goal in 2008 - the day I discovered that I'd had a missed m/c - the woman that checked me out as I was frantically trying to hold my shit together until I could get in my car had the audacity to say - "oh honey, im sure its for the best. There was probably something horribly wrong with that baby."
Dumbass: "So now I guess you're over this infertility thing?"
WTF? I'll never be over this!
All my husband had to do was look at me and I got pregnant.
Get drunk, it worked for me.
Maybe you should just move on to other things and having kids isn't in the cards for you.
Katie, I'm glad you asked because this perfectly suits my (bad) mood today. . . .
Here are a few I've heard:
**Wow, I wish I could give you some of MY fertility! (from a friend a year younger than me with two under 2)
**Maybe you were meant to do this--meaning my volunteer work with abused/neglected children--instead of having your own child. (from my own mother!)
**Have you thought about charting your daily temperatures/using a Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor? (not bad suggestions for someone just starting TTC, insulting to someone who has told you she has already been trying for over a year and has seen a RE)
I do have to balance this by saying that the majority of my friends have been nothing but supportive and a model of what a "friend to an infertile" should be.
- After a miscarriage: "Well it could have happened further along, I am sure it means something would have just been wrong with the baby."
- After miscarriage "Just be glad you weren't born with a kid with a horrible disease, that would be much worse."
- "Do you want my kids?"
- Laughing at trying to conceive "Oh I don't even know what that means, trying. Ha ha ha."
- "Why don't you just adopt?" or "Have you thought about adoption" Next time someone asks me that I am going to say "No, what is that? Ad--oppppt-tion? Can you tell me more?"
I am sure there are more but I can't think of them right now.
After my first failed IUI: "you'll get used to life without kids"
"everything happens for a reason" (take that and shove it up your butt...it doesn't help and i'm sure tired of hearing it.)
"it was just so easy for us" (whoopty freaking doo, do you want a cookie?)
"didn't you do that ivf thing last week, does that mean you are pregnant?"
(yes, because it's just a one day deal, not at all stressful and it always works...thanks for asking.)
"well you could always adopt"
(whaaa?!?! you mean i've had that option for 4 years now and hadn't even thought of it..you're practically a genius!)
Drumroll for all time favorite..............................................................
"i know how you feel--i had to have my dog put to sleep last week" (true story)
(yes--those 2 things are exactly alike and you are absolutely retarded)
YES--I'M CRANKY TODAY!!! hahaha
Sorry to be repititous but my MIL, whom I loved dearly has said both
-all he had to do was look at me and I got pregnant.
-you could always adopt.
umm, can you say not HELPFUL!!
God will give you a baby when he thinks you're ready.
Can DH's brother donate his sperm to you two? He knocked up his girlfriend pretty quick...
Have you considered adoption?
You should ask your doctor if you have that endometriosis thing. I hear it can be bad for fertility (said to me after 3rd loss and emergency laparoscopy in which I was told I had NO endo).
Did they have to put his swimmers in your eggs for that iou procedure yesterday? Are you pregnant yet? (asked by MIL about our IUI).
Be positive! (said by FIL)
This is the tip of the iceberg...
Hello .. long time reader & lurker here!
A fellow IF blogger (http://breakatthebend.blogspot.com/)
has created a very new blog:
http://stfuferts.blogspot.com/
:)
"It happens when you are ready for it!"
or the comment on my loss:
"It wasn't the right time for you."
Both give me the Pavlovian reflex to punch the person in the face anymore. God save the next one in the line!
I have had it UP.TO.HERE with comments on my Twitter from this girl I was friends with in high school!!
She knows I'm infertile and still says this shit!
"go see baby, then come to my house, hang with my 2 for awhile, leave balanced and content with your life"
"there are some pluses to not being preggo/no kids- sleep, good health, free time, money, happy married, less stress, etc "
I've heard the same one as Glass Case post miscarriage, from my mom - at least it didn't happen further along.
From my male neighbor (they needed ART for their first, so you think he'd be more sensitive) - enjoy the time without kids, they'll drive you crazy!
Me again .. I want to correct my earlier comment -
It may have been http://sohardtrying.blogspot.com/ who created the STFUfertiles blog.
http://stfuferts.blogspot.com/
(just want to give credit where creditt is due & to whom!)
Email convo with a friend who is 2 years younger than I am...
Dear friend: "When are you guys going to have a baby? Ali needs someone to play with!"
Me: "We're traveling so much and Hubs is still in school...it's just too complicated right now."
Dear friend: "It's a BABY, not rocket science!"
Me: Tears down my face in front of my computer
After one of my losses...
I don't understand why you're so upset. It was so early and really was just a bunch of cells.
At least you can get pregnant
I forgot...
Maybe you two weren't meant to have children.
When a friend knew we had been trying for seven months with no luck (at that point) and I bought up my stepson...OH! Well then you already have a little one!
Perhaps this is God's way of telling you something.
How much more of this are you going to do to yourself? I mean, you're choosing to put yourself through all this pain.
I already commented but I can't stop reading this stuff. Maybe I was wrong and everything does happen for a reason, because if some of this stuff had been said to me, there would be a lot more broken bones in this world than there are now. I am fuming--just reading this!!!!
Hmmm, the worst for sure was at thanksgiving where hubby's drunk aunt become obsessed with when we were having children, and starting going on and on about how you just have sex, lots and lots of sex...and finally asked, you do have sex right? We didn't say anything since she was so bombed, but she never let up and we ended up leaving early that night! Hope you feel better soon Katie!!
My dad, when we told them that we were having trouble giving them grandkids: "Do you guys need tips?"
My mom got up and walked away, saying "WAY TMI here."
Uh. Thanks, Mom and Dad. For the support.
"It is probably for the best. Children are not what they are cracked up to be. I have not been able to read the Sunday papers since my son was born."
My older sister(who is 33) is pregnant with her 3rd child. I asked her if she was planning on having anymore children after this one and she said to me:
"Well, probably not. I am getting too old to have kids."
I could have punched her!
Timeline-
Me: At the time having my 7th and final tubal pregnancy (I hope)
My friend: Currently pregnant by a refugee she met at a bar. One night stand and he was cheating on his wife or some shit.
She calls to tell me she is pregnant (She knows what I am going through by the f-ing way). I give her the standard congratulation on your second bastard child (not bitter, not bitter). She then proceeds to tell me she is like built like a “pioneer woman”, healthy and strong. Continued by I makes healthy babies…….
Really!!!!!!! Good for you.
Update. Another jab!!-
My friend gave birth yesterday to a beautiful healthy baby girl (that is truly great news and I am happy everyone is happy and healthy).
Friend calls and leaves a 6am message (TODAY, so this post is so fitting)
“Jenny I am laying here with my amazing baby. She is so beautiful. She has been looking up staring at me for thirty minute. She keeps cooing.”
Great news, couldn’t you have called someone that isn’t infertile?????????????
Oooooh I gotta goodie:
We are hoping to do an embryo adoption soon, and my dad said to me "yeah, but what if you do this embryo adoption thing and then 2 months later turn up pregnant?"
LMAO!!!
After my first IUI failed, a colleague told me I should just buy a 2 seated convertible and enjoy my husband. I was livid!
Mine was recent as well...my friend says:
Well, my sister failed IVF and now everytime she is with my two boys she says she thanks god everyday that they never had them. She then proceeded to say, well maybe it's becuase you and your husband went through a rough patch a while back, someone is telling you not to do it.
Really, Really Fertile lay person... You MORON! I responded with, well, my husband and I could never imagine living childless and would adopt before doing that and with all we have been through as infertiles our relationship is stronger than pretty much anyone we know. I wish I had said than yours.
My former therapist:
"Miscarriages are just the body's way of getting rid of something that was imperfect. If you have twenty miscarriages, you should give thanks twenty times that your body works correctly."
My friend telling me about how she got knocked up the month *before* they started trying:
"Gosh, being pregnant is really hard sometimes."
What I actually said: Yeah it is, but it sounds like you're over the worst of it.
What I thought: Bitch, I was pregnant once, too. I can think of a fuckton of things that are harder. LIKE HAVING YOUR DEAD BABY SCRAPED OUT OF YOUR UTERUS.
My friend who gave birth the day after my missed m/c was diagnosed, checking in on me the day after my d&c:
"I know how hard it is when things don't turn out the way you want them to. I was so upset when they told me I needed a c-section, I wasn't even excited to meet the baby."
In addition to the standard: all in God's time; there was something wrong with it; that wasn't meant to be your baby; bet you'd change your mind if you spent a night with my kids; you'll get pregnant right after you adopt; you worry about this too much.
Said by a close friend, about 2.5 years into the IF journey (after asking the dreaded "Are you pregnant yet?":
"[Her boyfriend] said that Alex needs to go deeper and be better in bed."
Oh really... So the problem is with our technique now... Thanks for not only making me feel like s**t about being infertile, but also for making a snide comment about my husband's performance. Much appreciated.
It doesn't bother me that much that her bf said that - he's a typical guy - but did she really have to relay the "advice?" A TRUE friend wouldn't ever say that.
I didn't talk to her for like 2 months. I couldn't even bring myself to explain the reason why to her.
"God knows when it's your time, it's time." So the other times I got pregnant, God took them away because it wasn't my time?
"Have you ruled out adoption?" ah no, I just haven't ruled out my other options. Stupid people!
"You are so lucky you don't have kids." Ahhh my favorite one. Thanks, all this heartache I have been going through was pointless, apparently I'm lucky!
At an office birthday party: "You don't know how to cut cake because you don't have kids."
"My mother's cousin got pregnant after adopting."
I just got one today on FB. I'm going to delete it in a minute.
(From a male friend)...Oh, by the way, my wife is pregnant. With twins. We weren't trying and now we're having two! Life is over.
Are you fucking kidding me?
(After a failed cycle) "Well, on the bright side, at least you can have fun trying another month!"
After mt miscarriage someone said that my baby must have decided that now was not the right time to be born and I should figure out what I need to change in my life.
WTF?!?!
This isn't about infertility but after my first miscarriage I got "Well its really just a dot at that stage anyway."
From my Mom: "Maybe you can't get pregnant because God wants you to wait until your sister gets married and gets pregnant so you two can share this experience together."
Really, mom? That's why, not my shitty ovaries?
"Have you tried baby aspirin?" If I am coming out that I am infertile we are waaaaay past baby aspirin!
"Just wait till you have kids!" Guess what!? I have been waiting...waiting for years! I could actually patten waiting!
My all time fav....
"I do not want to get my tubes tied. I mean what if our house burns down and all our children die. I would want to be able to have more." Oh yeah...i could not make that one up if I tried! That thing has actually reproduced...several times
Text from my husband's high school friend: we're having our second! You two really need to pick up the pace!
From my department secretary: your mother wants grandchildren, you know. She may not say it to y ou,but she really wants grandchildren. She doesn't push so Im going to push for her everyday. She wants grandchildren.
From a former boss who was visiting with his granddaughter: this is Rebecca, she's not even a mommy.
And, fresh from the doctor's lips two days ago: (with a chuckle) how good of actors were they at the hospital? (smile) The sac is undersized and misshaped and there's no heartbeat. I didn't want the radiologist to give you the news.
I think for me, it was start the adoption process and it will happen for you. This happened to my mom actually with both my brother & I and she thought it would work the same for us. It does not work that way for everyone!
ICLW - And actually I came from Kelly's blog and I love this post. I have so many about adoption that I made a list awhile back http://unexpectedlifeevents.blogspot.com/2010/01/things-not-to-say-to-someone-who-is.html
The best ones I get over and over are:
1. You'll get pregnant once you adopt. Oh really? Well, since I don't have ANY fallopian tubes (meaning no highway to connect everything)that's not going to happen unless God starts dropping fallopian tubes down from the sky.
2. Where is your baby you are adopting from? Pennsylvania? You mean the United States? People give their babies away here?
3. Once you adopt you'll forget all about your desire to get pregnant and deliver a child.
Oh I could go on and on. Another good one - right after our first adoption (it was disrupted) match my boss told me my face looked pregnant! WTF? I guess she meant I looked fat which is what I said to her. Oh no she told me, she meant I was glowing. Ugh!
Here from the Stirrup Queen's blogroll...
In a discussion with a coworker about endo and PCOS, coworker tells me she has endo. She explains that when you're standing up, all the scar tissue and endo stretches out. She swears that she got pregnant standing up and recommends that dh and I do it standing up to get pg.
In telling my parents that we were taking an indefinite break, my own father tells me that it will probably happen when we relax and stop worrying about it.
Another coworker told me that a female in my family (mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, etc.) must have been exposed to something environmental that contributed to my infertility.
The one that takes the cake is the friend from high school who asked if there was any sin in my life that I needed to deal with. She explained the connection between physical ailments and sin. I immediately deleted her from my friend list on FB.
Please write the book! It looks like you would have a lot of contributors.
You already know this...but the worst ever was from my bitch MIL. She said something to the effect of "if you just had fun and were a happy person then you would get pregnant." Didn't respond and that changed things forever. I hated her for months and now I just don't tell her what's going on. It really pushed her away from me/F.
Oh all very good. I have heard all of the above.
personal favourites
- I was speaking with my boyfriend and we reckon that all you need to is ust get someone to kickstart his testes and then you will have kids
- I didn't want to tell you I was pregnant because I couldn't deal with your reaction
- do you know when you ovulate (hmmm let me think do I?)
chatting with my ex, who now has 3 kids:
Ex- "when are you guys gonna have kids, you're not getting any younger?"
Me- "we plan to, it's just not that easy for some of us"
Ex- "what's not easy? all you have to do is have sex"
Me- "no, really, it's NOT that easy for everybody"
Ex- "seems like with enough sex it would be"
Me- "if you REALLY want to know, Google PCOS"
Ex- (after he googles) "oh i get it"
These just in-
"Motherhood is amazing and everyone should get to experience it."
~Oh, really? Hmm. See I thought I'd been dreaming about something that sucked for the past 3 years.
Me: "I really thought last year would be the last time I'd be childless on Mother's Day."
Her: "Well, I guess God didn't agree with you."
Oh my gawd, I have heard soooo many of these. I didn't realize so many stupid people existed in so many corners of the world.
"It's in your power to change this, just stop thinking about it" - Dad
"Kids aren't that great anyway" - Aunt
"Just wait till you get pregnant" - Pregnant friend complaining about her large baby
Regarding my severe IUGR baby at 27 weeks:
My aunt: I believe that if your baby dies then something was wrong with it and it just wasn't meant to be. God does things like that.
Really, did he tell you that? Do you have that in writing?
Regarding my miscarriage and from a special ed teacher: When you miscarry your baby is sick, and you don't want to deal with a sick kid. Believe me. I deal with them all day.
"If it doesn't happen, it's just because you weren't meant to have kids. It's just not for everyone"
A parent on a field trip (I'm a 1st grade teacher): "I don't blame you for not having kids. If I spent all day like you do, I wouldn't want them either"
From SIL after talking about someone who was having issues with their pregnancy / baby
"You know what it's like, oh well you don't actually do you"
From MIL after saying we were considering adoption
"Are you mental? Why would you do that and take on some other people's kids. You should be out there living your lives"
And my personal fave, that I get time and time again
"You have your dogs, they are your babies and a lot less trouble"
I just think you're making this too big a deal. It really isn't that bad. If I were you, I would just adopt. (said by one of my formerly oldest and dearest friends as she patted her 8 months pregnant belly and while her perfect 2 year old ran around our feet.)
After many BFN'S I got the..
"Well you're lucky, daycare is so expensive."
What? Are you kidding me? Knowing how much it costs to put your kid in daycare does not make me feel better about not being able to get pregnant! BIT*H!
said by a friend, right after my recent miscarriage "Dont worry you'll get pregnant again"
Oh thanks, I'm all better now...
After my first miscarriage my sister told me that she was the only one in the family who didn’t know what I was going through because she never had a miscarriage and she wished she had one so she could relate. WTF? Wow – she really doesn’t get it if she is wishing it upon herself.
WOW, I can't think of any that haven't been posted already. But geez, it is just awful that we have to go through all this crap!!
The comments that get to me are the ones made by people that don't know we are ttc.
'Why don't you two have kids yet?'
'I didn't think you wanted kids since you haven't had them yet?'
'You two must not feel ready if you don't already have kids.'
'Why would anyone want one of THOSE?' while pointing to a tantrum throwing 3year old.
'Kids just hold you back.'
Not quite the same thing but some of the most hurtful were:
From my grandfather at Christmas the first year we started trying: It's not you, it's him (pointing at my husband) >>> really? how would you know that and why would you think that?
From my grandfather the next Christmas (drunk as a skunk): Your grandma and I are really dissappointed in you
This past Christmas he didn't say anything - then again I avoid him now.
mine was the advice I was given by a "friend" when told I was TTC...I put it on my blog cause it was so flipping absurd. http://www.anuttierlife.com/2010/06/fertility-friday-seriously-huge.html
My favorite was a co-worker who did the OK sign and then jammed her finger into the hole repeatedly while saying, "See Jenny, this is how you have sex to make babies."
I have a LPD (lutenal phase defect) and while I understand that not everyone knows exactly what that means, I can only offer so much information before I want to punch you in the throat with your stupid ass comments. For example from my MIL...
After my chemical... "Uggh, why don't you guys just try naturally for longer." Me - "Well b/c without a Lutenal Phase (mine is one 3 days long) I could get pregnant a million times but never have enough time to actually make it past my first period" Her - "Well, You don't want to have to use drugs, that's just not natural." and the kicker, when we finally got pregnant she asked "Great you didn't even have to use the drugs, I'm so glad it was natural" Me - "Ummm, we did use Clomid and HGH and progesterone" Her - "Oh....."
GRRRR.......
Oh yeah after a m/c
"You should just be happy you CAN get pregnant."
"You can always make another one!"
"I don't understand why you are so upset, it's not like it was alive very long."
Lots of just relax. Lots of if you try to adopt then you'll get pregnant. Lots of oh well, you get to enjoy sleeping, babies are terrible. And I really really hate the ones that are like, are you having enough sex? do you need tips?
LOL. It's all been said here. If anything, these should be made and put on a poster so that we can give them out to friends and family.
all of what has been said.
i can feel my blood pressure rising just remembering it all.
the latest was a few weeks ago when i was holding one of my friend's twins (IVF conception) in the foyer at church and a guy who always notices who doesn't have kids and has repeatedly given my husband advice on what we should eat to help the process, (obviously I avoid the guy like the plague), but he came up to me and said, oh, your baby is so big.
I just gave him a blank stare and a "you are ticking me off" look and didn't say anything. Then he said, just joking and walked away.
Oh i was mad.
http://findjoynow.blogspot.com
"People who can't have kids are just uneducated about how it all works." said Houseguest from Hell.
"I'll be your surrogate." said by my unemployed trainwreck sister who got k/u by an inmate she met in rehab.
"You're not pregnant yet? Let me have my daughter call you and give you some tips." said by my former secretary whose weed smoking daughter is 22 yrs old with 3 children by 3 different men.
"What's wrong with you? How can you possibly not want one of these?" said by MIL's friend while holding her new grandson.
"I need YOU to tell ME when you're going to have kids. I DESERVE to know." said by MIL to DH at last Christmas
I've also heard the "So and so stopped trying/just relaxed/went on vacation/stopped thinking about it and she got pregnant" crap too many times to count.
Great topic.
My male doctor recently told me to go on vacation. He is a lupus specialist so I cut him a little slack.
Really .. take one of my kids... then you wont want them... (friggin moron)
During my IF journey I have had a couple m/c, during my second u/s of my last pregnancy, the nurse who was performing the procedure abruptly told me 'yep' the baby had stopped developing around 5 weeks (she assumed my Dr had already told me my numbers were leaning that way). Trying to absorb this and hold back my up coming mental breakdown I did my best to ask relevent questions and inform her what path I wanted to take from there. As she looked at me unsympathetically I told her I needed to have the tissue tested and wanted varius other testing started on me. She looked right at me as I cried and said 'Really?! It's ONLY the second one!' The fact that I didn't hit her right then is amazing. And just for kicks as she left the room she told me not to worry, that I was 'still very young and had more time then most to get over this one'. Ick, I still kind of want to run her over.
My Mom said when we hadnt even been diagnosed and just realized it wasnt happening timely but knew our sperm and tubes were good "Have you considered a surrogate?"
A Surrogate?! Really mom, would you like to explain why, when My tubes are fine and his sperm is fine?! I often wonder if they are just speaking out of their asses.
I love this post idea. Mine is probably when I went to visit a friend who got pregnant on the first try to take her a smoothie and a body pillow because she was feeling sick. I broke the news that we had just had our RE appt and would have to do IVF-ICSI if we ever hoped to conceive. The first words out of her mouth,
"Well, maybe you're just meant to adopt. I mean, SOMEBODY's got to."
My jaw dropped. It's been 3.5 years since then and while I'm not still mad at her, we have not been friends since. Who wants a friend like that?
Also, DH and I were walking out of our old OB's office and the door to the U/S room was open. A girl I had seen with puffy red eyes earlier was in there with her DH and the evil u/s tech. Pretty sure she'd just gotten the news that she was m/c. I heard the tech say, "Oh, so was it a frozen one? Do you have any eggs left frozen?" We didn't hear the next comment, but knowing the tech I'm SURE it was, "Well, you can try again with those."
OMG, the put dog to sleep I know how you feel one is INSANE!!!
Oh, and now that we are pregnant, EVERYONE (and I do mean, EVERYONE) loves to say something to the effect that now we probably won't ever have trouble with our next kids.
Seriously?! Even if my body somehow miraculously reset itself, DH would still be shooting bad sperm. Don't take away from how hard this is, and will continue to be in our life later. This is a miracle, not a cure. It WILL NOT be easy from now on. We didn't just take a while to get pregnant on our own and now my body knows what to do. Our reproductive junk is defective. We required 3 tries at the most scienfitically advanced form of intervention there is to get this baby. Are you completley stupid?!
And even if we did somehow conceive on our own, we still would feel a moral obligation to use the embryos we have in the freezer. So even IF we are cured by this miracle pregnancy, we will still have a couple FETs ahead of us.
UGH!!!! It infuriates me! Especially when they persist with the comment after I explain that it's highly unlikely.
I have to add one more, anonymously, because it's sensitive.
My husband's 60-something mother offered to be a surrogate for us.
It was well-intentioned, but a) ew ew ew and b) that's not the problem. (and c) EW!)
Aaaaaaaagh!
At the hair salon just barely... my normal girl had a grunt do my shampoo while she finished up some other stuff. While washing my hair she proceeded to tell me how pregnancy is just awful (she's never been pregnant. I agree that it's no cake walk but... are you seriously complaining about it already?!) and so she's never going to get pregnant. But she wants kids someday (she thinks). So she's going to pay someone else to do it for her.
Just for fun. Just because she doesn't want to do it. And of course because she has NOOOOOO idea how horrible the medical process to achieve that would be, not to mention how expensive. It just really bothered me to hear someone act like they were going to voluntarily do IVF like it was no big deal.
To her credit I don't think she has a clue what the word surrogate or gestational carrier even mean, let alone that her plan will require IVF or what THAT means. Still though... what a joke.
I guess I just think also that if you are some kind of a cosmetologist (nails, hair, make up, etc.) and you talk to people you don't know all day... maybe you should take an extra dose of tact and comment censorship every morning before work.
Wow..this really struck a chord..75 comments so far. Everyone that has been through IF has at least one story. Here's one of mine...
Male friend (MF): So what's been going on in the baby making department?
ME: We are STILL trying!! Spending lots of $ on treatments.
MF: Just relax and it will happen
ME: That is the worst thing you can say to me right now...just drop it!
MF: I know for a FACT that it works because it happened to my sister.
ME: Busted out laughing and walked away!
"If you don't want to have surgery, you could always just adopt."
"I got pregnant on my first round of Clomid, so I totally get what you are going through."
"It took us 3 months of trying to get pregnant, so I know how awful you feel."
"Well, I bet it's a relief to be done with all that infertility stuff now."
"See? I told you that you would get pregnant eventually."
"You didn't even have to do IVF, so it couldn't have been that bad."
I am sure somoene has already mentioned these but here are a few that I have heard...
"Have you tried charting your temperature?"
"Have you tried having sex on day 15? That's what I did. Just sex on day 15 and I got pregnant the first month!"
"You are still young. What would you want kids for anyway?"
"Maybe you are doing it wrong. Have you tried _____." Yes, I pratically sleep with my hip up on a pillow afterwards. Moron.
"Try going on a vacation. That's what worked for us." Thanks, but I am so poor about one IVF failed cycle, flying to hawaii for two weeks isn't really in our budget.
"You think you love your puppy. Just want until you have children. A puppy is nothing like the love you will have for you child." Um...ya think?! Stupid person. I know my dog is not the same as a child. But thanks for reminding me.
Wow, these comments contain some real doozies.
"If you aren't willing to do IVF, then you didn't want kids that badly in the first place."
(In response to my telling said friend that we may not do IVF.)
ICLW #41
I was thought I was the lucky reader who thought I had nothing worth while to add to this unfortunate list but boy was I sadly mistaken. That same night I was informed by my "best friend" that.....
"we will not support you when you finally get knocked up" and "I am throwing away my life with fertility treatment"
This is all coming from a women who is gifted with 2 beautiful children
Don't worry you and your husband have common features - you can adopt a baby that looks just like you.
My SIL and I were talking about getting pedicures the next day and I mentioned that my husband had a friend coming over but I didn't have to be there. My BIL, while holding his second perfect daughter, says "Wait who's going to watch your kids...oh wait you don't have that problem" I somehow kept from crying in front of everyone. To his credit, he did realize that was a REALLY stupid thing to say and apologized over and over.
Oh, it's cathartic reading these!
One more to add: three years ago, when I was just starting this whole process, I told a somewhat-close friend that I was going to start infertility treatments. She said "oh but now you can just adopt! And you should adopt one of those black babies from the inner city!"
...this was coming from a woman with multiple advanced degrees, including a Ph.D. Clearly, education does NOT make one immune from ignorance and basic stupidity!!
Just came across this and have to add one.
This was a year ago, from a friend who knew that at the time, I'd been TTC for 18 mos (still going, btw).
She was telling me that she was pregnant--on her first month trying. "Those two weeks waiting to test were the hardest two weeks of my life."
One 2ww, ending with a positive outcome. I know that was her experience, and I'm sure those weeks were challenging. But having lived life in two-week increments, never having a positive outcome, it stung.